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Merit Guide
by Joan Bessieres

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this Merit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. It is easier to lose points but your objective is to get as many points as possible which you can cash in when you would like to be happy. Here is a guide to the points system and it includes a special section for Striped Bass Fishermen. Oh, I almost forgot, YOU need 200 Merit points "in the bank," at all times or...

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed.+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.-1
You always lift the toilet seat.0
You leave the toilet seat up.-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.+5
.....in the snow.+8
.....but return with beer-5
.....and no liners-25
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.+5
You pummel it with a baseball bat.+10
It's her cat.-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy-2
Named Tiffany-4
Tiffany is a platinum blonde-8
.....and a GoGo dancer-15
.....with breast implants.-30
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday0
You buy a card and flowers.0
You take her out to dinner 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar+1
Okay, it is a sports bar-5
And it's all-you-can-eat night-8
You take her to Hooter's-50
FISHING
Ask her if you can go fishing0
Ask her to go fishing with you.+10
Ask her to make lunch for you & your buddy.-20
Take her fishing but expect her to use a 5 gallon bucket for "relief."-30
You urinate in your waders and expect her to wash your jeans and shorts!-40
You use the bath tub to keep your bait alive.-50
You go fishing 6 or more days/nights per week.-100
You forget about the live eel that got loose in the back of the SUV.-200
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal0
The pal is happily married.+1
The pal is single.-7
He drives a Ferrari.-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.+2
You take her to a movie she likes.+4
You take her to a movie you hate+6
You take her to a movie you like.-2
It's called Death Cop 3-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly.-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."-500
YOUR PERFORMANCE
You still like to snuggle.+5
You try to make her happy first!+10
You DO make her happy first!+50
You make her happy three or more times!+500
You ask her to wear a blonde or brunnette wig.-75
You ask her to wear a "special" leather outfit.-100
You lose control in less than 5 minutes.-150
You finally need that little blue pill but are in denial.-200
.....you go to the doctor and get that little blue pill.
      (see "three or more times" above for possible bonus points)
+20
.....you get that little blue pill and become a NASCAR fan.-50
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" You hesitate in responding.-10
You reply, "Where?"-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass."-100
Any other response.-20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen, displaying a concerned look.0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "Well, what do you think I should do?"-50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep.-200
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